


Of Regret and Weakness

by xwingday (Haruka_S_Knight)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-19
Updated: 2009-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:22:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23873863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haruka_S_Knight/pseuds/xwingday
Summary: Remus is leaving, but she doesn't want him to go.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	Of Regret and Weakness

Of Regret and Weakness:  
By: X-wing Day

I've always been the "strong" one, the levelheaded one. It wasn't that I didn't get angry, hurt, scared or feel emotions. I was, however, thoroughly convinced I didn't feel them as strongly as others. She tended to disagree with me on that fact, and on many other things. The howler I inspired from her was evidence of just how strongly she felt, and that scared me more than I could properly express. To me, between all of the things happening in our lives, it seemed as if it'd been so little time. It had been a year and a half she reminded me that stormy night, appearing on my doorstep before I could flee. To my surprise she didn't come in aiming a wand, she wasn't threatening to lock me up. No, she simply looked hurt as she tried to suppress her tears.

"Don't do this Remus." Her voice shook as she spoke, she was soaked head to toe as she avoided eye contact with me. "At least let me try to be there for you."

"It's better this way." I felt a bit numb as I faced her and mildly guilty for the fact that all my pictures and mementos of her were locked away in the attic. She seemed to sag in defeat, covering her eyes with her hand.

"I love you." She whispered this in a very resigned manner. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her say it, but it was the first time I registered my own ill feelings hearing it. I knew she deserved better, I wanted her to be happy, and I even knew that returning such a simple gesture would make her happy. I felt compelled to say it but bit harshly on my own tongue, it wasn't fair with any less than a full heart. She needed to find someone, move on.

"I need to leave." I forced the words out not coldly, but instead indifferently. She nodded in a small sign of acknowledgment and I slowly stepped past. My hand was on the doorknob when she spoke again.

"I'll wait." It was hardly above a whisper.

"You shouldn't, I can't even say when I'll return." I felt so numb, in some ways I was nothing more than a spectator in this conversation.

"I don't care." Her voice was breaking a bit now, I knew if I looked, she was probably ready to fall to the floor.

"You'll find someone better." In my mind there ran a list of all the things she deserved. For all that I wanted to be a respectable, worthwhile member of the citizenry I wasn't. I wasn't changing, no coming out of the hole made of my grief and my condition. She still had a bright future if she survived this war, a career doing things that made her happy.

"I won’t." Those were the last words I heard as I left the house, locking the door behind me. Few knew that we'd been seeing each other since the Order first reconvened, and that seemed for the best. It wasn't a good idea to be marked for close relations to a werewolf, it wasn't something we could be open about.

Remus Lupin was meant to be alone, and Nymphadora Tonks was meant to be in a happier place. That's what I reminded myself of as I walked away with my small bag. It was weakness that led me down this path, a want to be her knight in shining armor and make up for all her past bad relationships. That was all, that must have been all it was. I held myself together, throwing myself into my work. It was a full-time job trying to fit in with Fenir's pack. Trying to be one of them without losing myself, without changing myself into someone I no longer knew.

I knew, as I watched them revel in their supposed freedom that Fenir was watching me. He always watched, waiting for me to foul up. Waiting for weakness.


End file.
